Inner: Christmas post

Hello, readers, it has been awhile since I last posted in this blog. I didn't write a lot of posts this year, mainly because I lost my interest in writing and I shared my thoughts through Instagram or just people around me. 

I have been a weird person who has a mission in myself. I worked for it just because I 'feel' like it is something that I have to do. But deep down in the inside of myself, I clearly know that I'm not clear if my God truly asks me to do so. I have been quite energetic, active and outspoken. But for most of the time, I felt like I wasn't myself. 

I somehow think that I behave like a guy instead of a girl. Maybe I behave half and half. This doesn't make sense. Well, let me rephrase, I think I'm half emotional half serious. That's how it works in me. My personality. 

Throughout this week, I read a lot of passages about God and sins, basically the fundamental studies of Christianity. I found myself extremely sinful and did a lot of wrong things. I asked for forgiveness and decided to change the old me. In the mean time, I questioned a lot about things like, attitude and personality, culture and belief, righteousness and social level. A lot of debatable topics. I asked some people about their views and some gave me ridiculous answers while some gave me rational yet unacceptable answer.

I am waiting to know more about this. It's hard to know what to do when you're assumed to do something yet you don't even know what and why you have to do so and so. I am a person who needs to know the most basic and fundamental and detailed information or truths. I don't like how people do things without understanding and reason. But I believe, Love could be the first and the most important reason for every questions. 

Merry Christmas, may all of us continue grow in Christ. 

Emily
25/12/2015

Break

Hello my dearest readers who are somewhere in this world!

I can't remember the last time I posted in this blog. It should be months ago and I'm now updating my very current state of thinking and life.

I have actually been through a lot of things that I couldn't have remember all of them. I just read my old blog and found that I took study as seriously as I do now. However, I still have the same problem that I used to face last year: Bad English, Not so good results and near to zero faith in God. I have done 60 percent of my exam and still left 2 papers - Physics and Math CD. I feel like having a holiday already as the toughest ones (Human Bio and Chemistry) were all done. I am still a little stressed about the marks that I would get, I'm praying that I could get into a Med school next year. The requirements are not high but the people whom I am competing with are super smart and extraordinarily hardworking. I am pretty sure that God will take me through this but I need to do my part as well.

Still, I have a strong feeling of wanting to end this WACE exam so so so so so soon. I am not torturing myself with unfinished revision, I have already done my math (still need a little bit touch up) and I will revise for Physics before the exam (to be prepared even though it won't help me score). Apart from this big exam, I am also quite worried about my ISAT test. I have been trying to make myself think more logically by doing more sudoku and breaking my own record over and over again. I am not sure if I'm wasting my time, it's hard to walk on this road, but I know there is a way if I believe in God.

Please pray for me. I feel like there is a calling from God to do his work. Despite medicine, I have no idea what kind of industry I can go. I'm not good in language, nor am I good in creating new ideas. I only have energy (literally calories) to help people who need a little help. I just wanna be a person who makes a little difference in the world. I don't wanna be world class kind of heros. A small bit of effort is what I'm opting for.

Well. Bye, just an update after all.

Emily
6/11/2015

Bitter post

Ello, my lovely readers. I know it's been quite sometimes that I didn't update my blog and my writing has become pretty bad now, I guess. I have this sudden feeling oof updating it once again because I feel like there's no way for me to express my feelings, I can't even share it with people, I seriously feel so tied up. 

I'm not sure if you guys have known that my parents actually left me 1 month ago and my life has been pretty much changed since semester 2 started. For instance, I have got to live with my 2nd sister and my twin sister. I have been so no mood to study. I'm so stressed out. I haven't been getting enough sleep everyday as I feel so tired each an every minute. I'm physically and mentally challenged. Communications with people, patience to people and unselfishness; so much to be cared about. I'm afraid of financial issueissues, diseases and people around me. I've been so lost.

Just to elaborate, I'm so scared that my money would disappear or get cheated. I don't dare to get more from my dad as I know that I shouldn't have ask for so much. I worry a lot, too much. 

If you know me well, I always get sick or flu as I have allergy rhinitis and skin allergy. My body is not strong enough to fight against those dirty stuff. Even though I got sick, I didn't dare to admit to be sick because I knew I couldn't be sick, how am I going to pay for the consultant fee? Who in the world is gonna drive me to a clinic?

As I mentioned, my skin is relatively more sensitive as I got fungus on my toes when I was 10 and it took more than 3 or 4 years to recover. And I got red, itchy rashes when I was form 2, I still remember I wanted to cut all my limbs so badly. The rashes were my nightmares. And due to that, my beloved mum always tries to protect me from being in contact with things like detergent or any cleaning agents. Well, I'm doing washing up everyday. I feel so unwilling as my hands are getting rougher and rougher everytime I finished my work. I'm complaining it to my brothers in chirst but is that a problem? I truly understand that I don't love with all my heart and I don't know how, it's hard for me. It's a challenge for me. 

I know this post sounds so weird and hanging. I need prayers. 

28/6/2015 

Emily

Prefect timing

Hello, readers. I have not been updating for a long while and the last one was super short. So, I'm gonna make this post more interesting even though I have a really boring life if you compare with the others. 

So, today is a Friday and this week has been a very fatigue week for me, sitting for driving theory test, Human Bio test and Malaysian studies semester exam tomorrow. Well, I'm kinda fed up studying for tests that I don't like or maybe am forced to. But you know, whether I like it, I still have got to sit for it because it's a must. 

Lately, my twin sister and I have had a new brother, who we call him DiDi. He was my schoolmate in my secondary school and we were in the same cell group in Christian Fellowship last year. I feel very grateful that this guy or young man is so sensible and understanding as he knows what he's doing. I can see that he's still growing like a seed, healthily. The relationships built when 3 of us talk to each other and know what each other is doing. The conversations are always forced to stop and ended with a lot of love emojis and the sentence of I LOVE YOU.

My Monday and Tuesday were pretty normal as I can't recall what I did. Let's go to my Wednesday, I had 3 hours of lessons starting from 8am. When I was done with the lectures, I went to Dignity in Sentul with 2 of my friends. Frankly speaking, they're the most 'talk-able' friends to me. The points of view actually reach resonance. I don't know why but I feel very comfortable talking to them. So, I went to the school and started my tutor work. I taught 2 of the Myanmar students science which was about the food chain and ecosystem. It was very hard to let them understand me. The limitations of known vocabularies and the unstable base of education. I could hardly teach. 

The thankful thing that I had was when I ask them to draw a food chain, they started to know how to draw. Especially one of them, I felt so touched when he finally knew how to draw a food chain as he tried 4 times to get it right. It took him a lot of effort. I feel like crying now seriously. I remember how I used to get so frustrated because they didn't understand me. But now they do. 

________________________

I sat for driving theory test on Thursday. It was pretty stupid, I mean the story of how I sat the test. Last week, I had no idea what was the theory talking about plus the madam whom my mum asked to help me arrange all these driving things made me feel so hopeless. But then, God has His own timing, I passed my test in 10 minutes 31 seconds (even though I waited for 1 and a half hour before taking the test). The test was hard for me, I think history is much easier, sorry to say that but yea, I feel so. 

Nothing big happened today, I would still thank Lord for His wonderful timing that enabled me to do all the things in limited time. How amazing it is! 

I shall do my math homework now and study federal constitution for exam tomorrow. Nights and love your family ya!

Me in front of school hall, taken by Jonathan Lee.

With a grateful heart,

Emily

10/04/2015

Short

Hello, dear readers, it's been a long time since I last updated my blog.

A lot of things happened in these days, but they didn't seem to bother me much, I just did things that I should do and stop myself from thinking a lot of nonsense. I don't wanna be lost on the pathway of the aim of my life. I know that time will never appear twice, in fact, we only endure that very particular time once in our whole life.

I just tweeted about my thoughts on Twitter, I somehow find out that I just wanna get lost from this place and go somewhere that no one knows me. That's what I always wish, I don't say it as a freedom but a place where I can live without caring about what people think or do or anything. It sounds so selfish, I know. Well, ideal life is never a reality and it's always a dream. So, I can only dream about it as the day will never come. I still have to live with people anyhow.

I shall stop here, I still have my homework to do. Going back to my ex-school on Good Friday!:D

With love, Emily.

The best place to read your own mind, vine yard. Taken by me, in Adelaide.

Silence

I have no idea why there was this anger going up to my heart and burning my mind like hell. I just keep silent. 

I hate to what I've done so much. I don't know why I was so unprepared for my Chemistry lab test. I should have known what the equations. I pitied my lab partner, sorry, I just didn't do my responsibility. It's hard to express all the feelings out. That me being so innocent and ignorant in doing stuff, thinking that I would know everything when I was just boosting myself and thinking that everything would be easy. Who said that, the inner mind spoke so loud that I just wanna turn it off or mute it once for that particular moment. 

My inner condition became worse when the whole world was asking me to protect my sister. I feel so pissed off and angry at the same time. THAT'S NOT MY JOB TO PROTECT HER. Why on earth you think that I'm mentally and physically strong. No one knows that I'm so weak. My heart can just burst into tears of blood when the outside is still perfectly nice and whole. 'Protect your sister, protect your sister, protect your sister.' I'm getting enough of this. I can hardly stand this anymore. No one ever knows me, you just think of what you think and never consider about what I feel when you just say that sentence out. That hurts, I feel so hurt. 

As tears has been stuck in both of my eyes for such a long time. The only thing that I want is silence. Typing all these words quietly in the house alone is such a wonderful thing. I hate noises, all those stupid noises. Whenever noises just hit into my ear drums, my mind is kinda collapsing. The sound of drums, guitar and the voice of singers or any unwanted yet unpleasant sounds, the brain starts to destroy itself. Even though I'm extrovert, I can't stand all these. That's why I choose to listen the right things. 

Please stop indirectly telling me that I'm strong when I'm actually forcing myself to be strong outside. For instance, I'll never forget how I used to carry all the tables in my class with those guys just standing there watching me doing work. It's hard to pretend that I'm strong, honestly. The muscle pain on the next day is never a good deal. It becomes more terrible when people just ask you to use the triceps and biceps to do more work. I just wanna hit myself so hard that I'd be paralyzed so that people would not misunderstand my feeling. 

I know I'm doing the wrong thing, getting angry and mentally unstable so fast. I'm trying to be patient. Trying very hard to be stronger and stronger. But, I don't want people to ask me do more than I can when I'm actually trying very hard to do only my part. 

Taken by me, at a park near my house. 'I wish I could be like a cloud, staying in the sky so silently and peacefully, 

Bye.
Emily
13/03/2015

No PIC late post...

I just steal some of my time and be here typing a little bit about my life, telling you what has been going on in the past.

I can't have my story long because it's so hard for me to describe my feelings more than I have to, you see, I'm running out of time. The days were great even though I had a few sleepless nights last week. If you know me well, my body will automatically 'collapse' after 3 days of sleepless nights. And, it's always happened that Thursdays are the 'sicky' days for me. I had a though week but I survived.

SPM results came out last week. I was trying to write a post about it, well, I always have this kind of struggling. An instant feeling won't make me think so much, it takes time to really feel it. So, I choose today though, I want to relax my mind as well, on the other hand. Okay, too far. So, I got a really satisfying results. I couldn't have hope for more. I didn't actually strive hard last November but the months before it. I was so busy on doing my responsibilities like forcing myself to do the best. It was uneasy, discipline and toughness came along with responsibilities. That's always my way to do work.

Seeing that everyone is working hard for every single thing gives me the motivation to make myself improve. I don't mean to compare with anyone. I see the uniqueness that God has given to everyone. Our strengths are never the same, everyone's brain works different way. The only thing that I have to do is to work more on my gift, I mean talents. Anyway, I'm enjoying my study in the college! Life is more relaxing compared to last year. I don't know why but my elder sister told me that I look happier when I go to college. I love how I'm blessed.

College is a place for me to expose to different kind of people. There are so many types of people! I'm so amazed by the creations of God. Some people are just like that and we're so different from them. I have no idea how to describe about this. Okay fine then. I'm just being grateful.

I love talking and smiling to people. I still remember how I wondered I was actually fake and had a phone call with Luke. He prayed for me in the phone and I was kinda touched for it because God uses His people to bless the weak ones. After all, I find it natural to just talk anything with people and smile to them. It's never hard when I really feel happy! Well, people think I'm pure and innocent in every way but well, I guess INNOCENT is not a very suitable word for me. I would say I choose to make myself not to be so awkward in front of them. It makes my mind spin so fast.

I shall stop here. I'm working very hard on praying for people and of course trusting that people will be healed by God. It's never an easy job. I fear, I need to be still. The challenges are coming. Struggling hard.

Alright, there must be an ending. Bye.

With love,
Emily
09/03/2015

Bit of touch

Finally, I have time to blog about my week and things that have happened! This week indeed has been the most stressful week since the year started. I've had all sort of things this week, too many. 

Let me talk about Chinese New Year, it was kinda different this year. Totally. Different. I had a very unusual celebration in fact. As you know I was almost going into grief regarding the family issues. I was so scared yet so looking forward to what would be going to happen between my family and I. Anyway, I would say that the relatives thingy became nothing much, we had a great time and I knew why those people behaved so abnormally. There were so many hidden reasons, humans are sinful, I have got to know that. Nothing could actually change that but God. I started to know bits by bits. 

I still wonder who;s reading my blog though. I salute to my readers who are willing to read all my stupid craps and nonsense with my bad English. I love the feeling of being loved. One can definitely know who loves him/her, that kind of feeling is not even a feeling, it's a fact that can be secretly know and felt and immersed if one loves you. Well, I'm saying that those who take an effort to read my blog posts are those who love me. Wow, yeah, I can feel that.                                                           

Getting back marks and results for my previous test is very scary. What I mean here is that people around me will definitely start asking me about my marks and they'll compare! This is stupid I think. People love to compare, don't they know everyone has their own uniqueness. I think I said this before. Okay, I shall stop saying the same thing. 

Wednesday, I went to a place or school called 'Dignity' in Sentul. It's a school for refugees' kids, I saw a lot of things through them, they're so nice and good. They know how to behave themselves and they're lovely. I started missing them when I got back home that day. They don't have an IC, they only have to accept how they were born, who they are and they learn to know a lot of society things, they love their own country and they're thankful that they live in Malaysia. I have got to learn from them. From next week onward, I'll be a tutor for them, teaching them Math and Science. 

This week is very though I would say, but I thank God that I have a friend who's so encouraging and supportive. The most important thing that I learn from this friend is that prayers are the most useful weapon when facing troubles. Always turn to God when I feel lost.                 

I can't express all sort of things through this post, talking face to face is always more preferred. Alright I gotta go. Bye.

Me, taken by myself in Bintulu. 

Love,
Emily
27/02/2015                                                          

Beyond time and space, black hole

Hey there, I woke up quite early today, it was because my sister controlled the air conditioner and made me feel freezing cold. 

I have no idea why I'd like to write this post, I know this sounds annoying but writing makes my mind stop awhile and think more about what's happening around, I guess. As it's so near to the celebration of Chinese New Year, I feel so scared yet so excited to go back to my hometown where I've gone back since January last year. Even so, I have never felt nostalgic as the ways people used to treat me have made me so unwillingly to love them. Well, I should forgive them and start to love them. I guess, I should go and find out about the reasons in the mean time (As I really don't understand why can relatives be so cold to me. WHY? Tell me.).

Knowing that my friends who went for national service are back, the results will be out very soon. I can't predict anything. Sometimes, I just hate how I think. Thinking of how people are better than me, how weak and bad I'm. Thinking too much sometimes doesn't actually help, actions are supposed to be taken after feeling bad about myself. I'll do it, my aim of life is just to be a small person who contributes to the society and more importantly shine for God so as to witness Him. Why on earth do I still worry and compare so much? Sinful thoughts shouldn't be conquering me!

Wow, this sounds so motivating to me. Alright, I have to make full use of my time. Spending time to love people around, working hard for God academically and behave well (I wanna be a good kid). Well, if you know me well, I'm kinda crazy about doing anything. I always like to put in as much effort as I have into doing a thing. You  probably know that, I'm extremely limited and small in making things to be successful. But I guess everyone is the same, right? This is also when one dies in failure and finds the way to make through it through the Almighty God. Pretty amazing, isn't it? Failures lead us to look for God. I don't mean that you must always fail, but it's just a blessings when God doesn't want you to do things all by yourself but with and in Him. And, I suppose, this is how a Christian witnesses for God.

As time passes, I need to change and have breakfast with my family before going to college. Let the love goes beyond the time. Time is such a blessing from God to everyone who lives on the earth. That's why we're experiencing 4D on the earth. <3 Physics, it's so related to God when you start to link the together.

It's me, taken by Elisa in Hyde Park, London.

With love,
Emily
16/02/2015

Right

Hello, dear reader. I know that a lot of people know know me actually read my blog and that has amazed me. I was kinda shocked when my friend just told me that he actually knew my blog before I shared it. Well, it sort of made me feel happy somehow, you know, that kind of feeling when your friend takes the initiative to know you. It's an honor to me. Alright, I should stop expressing my feeling here. 

Back to my real life story, I'm having a real stress currently. Seeing so many people who're so successful in life, being all-rounded and having their very own talents and stuff like that. Whenever I think about this, I'll start to evaluate myself if I'm a person who builds the confidence in God or things. I have no idea where to think about it. It's somehow a bad thing.

Let me talk about my progress of reading, it's still quite hard for me to read and focus. I find no interest in doing things. Sometimes, things are just meaningless for me. Like a lot of time, I just don't understand how people find what they like in their lives and how they actually transform the passion into a field for them to explore. Like what my friend once shared, 'I know everything, but I'm good at nothing'. I don't know if I'm at the right pathway. 

This makes me think of what happened this afternoon during CF. 'Who makes decisions in you life?' My answer was God, and is God and will be God. I feel that the reason of why I'm Emily and doing all these stuff is because of God. He makes my life this way. It's very obvious when He actually wants you to do this but not that. It's hardly to be explained, you can only know what I mean when you really experience it yourself. 

My eyes are almost close. I need to take a shower and do some maths questions now. I have to be hardworking and work for God. I can't just simply go with my feelings and desires. Everything takes time to do. 'Now, time is the only limiting factor'. This was what my Physics teacher told me, it made me love physics so much. 

I need a lot more quiet time to think and figure out things that happen around me. I don't wanna be too innocent. My friend said that I actually have all sort of thoughts inside my brain. Well, I don't know, it might be wrong, who knows? 

How sure are you that you're on the right track? Taken by me, in Nottingham. 

With love,
Emily
13/02/2015

Looking around

Hello, dear reader!

Well, I actually don't feel like writing this post but my hands want to type so much. So, I'm gonna keep this short.

I was quite joyful as the class started today, I did a little bit of studying yesterday so today's stuff wasn't as hard to be understood. I started to love Human Biology. Last night was a night that I complaint the most. I was so frustrated about the textbook and all the slides that my adorable lecturer gave. Everything seemed extremely incomplete. I had no idea how to improve myself. Therefore, I decided to borrow a book from the library and photostat, shh...( I don't know where to buy the book, how then?)

Everything has been okay since the week started, I was so stressed out before I did my presentation for EALD. After all, I found that time just passes without you knowing. I'm having another Chemistry test tomorrow and I guess it'll be quite hard, so, I gotta study hard tonight. Reading, understanding and analysing are so hard. I hate thinking but I can't help.

I went home early today as it's Wednesday. I thought it would be a lonely, scary time for me to walk from the college to the station. Thankfully, my mpu friends accompanied me to walk to the station and I felt so safe and secured. I sometimes just feel so worried and anxious when I walk alone, my fright and flight action is sort of generated. Well, it's really hard to find people who're willing to keep you safe. Be grateful!

My today's feeling is just grateful. Things are just amazing when you treat them as the blessings and gifts from God. Humility makes one grateful and joyful. I started to like reading somehow. 

Throwback to my 2 year ago's photography skill, taken in Putrajaya during school trip.

With love,
Emily
11/02/2015

Quietness and peace; changes

Hello. It's a Thursday night and I decided to spend some times writing a blog post.

It's been a challenging year. I've met different kind of people and my studying environment totally changed. Even the people around me started changing, maybe I do as well.

I remember last week, my twin and I accompanied our dearest mum to go shopping. We all bought something that we wanted. For me, I bought a pink hoodie and a shirt. They were both under great promotions and I've really wanted to get myself another colour of hoodie so I got it in Uniqlo! I don't know why but when I saw how my twin and mum bought their clothes and stuff like that, the price seemed like nothing to them. I thought I would be the one who would be spending money like I could simply get cash. But, no, it was somehow scary when you see hundreds and hundreds of money was gone. Indeed, I contributed a little part of it.

That was how I spent my holidays. Well, I have no idea why but I love going to college. I'm eager to go for classes like Physics and Mathematics or even Chemistry. I love Physics so much, the lecturer's style of teaching makes me think a lot and understand about those motions. It's far too fun and interesting.

I started to feel that I'm kind of living independently. All the classes without Elisa and I find it normal and I'm used to be alone or with some other friends. We get to meet each other during breaks for sure. I enjoy being alone actually. The feeling is just great, the atmosphere is so quiet. I do anything I like as I don't have to wait for anyone or care of anyone or be called to take care of anyone. I just like being alone and enjoy the peaceful scenery without music, without speeches, without talking and without stress. 

I don't think I started to be introvert since I neither an extrovert person nor introvert person. A lot of my friends say I'm the crazy one who loves to joke and talk more but I don't like all these, honestly. I like to be alone. I don't feel lonely though. 

My eye lids want to close so badly. I have gotta read a few pages of the book and sleep soon. Yay, there's Physics tomorrow!

With love,
Emily
05/02/2015

Weakness

Hello, today's a Friday. I had a HumanBio assessment today, it was far more okay than the previous one, I feel and hope.

My today started badly. I was really pissed off by what my dad told me. He asked me to look after my twin sister as I had a bigger body size. I really hate it when people say like that, just like what one of my friends told me as well. This really makes me feel much stupider than I have ever had.

Like what happened in the past, no one would ever proactively help me. I've had no idea why they felt that way. They would rather help those girls who had smaller body size and looked weak. It's always like that. Whenever I saw people get help from the others, I hated myself a lot, I wondered why I was in this clumsy, big size body. I had no idea during the past. Until now, I still don't.

It's such a bad thing when I feel discriminated, I just wanna hide myself so badly. Like sometimes, due to the fact that people are far better than me. For instance, my twiny loves to read and music but I don't. They talk to her but not me. I hate that feeling, very much. It's like the world is never for me. I'm too boring. What I like to talk about is something that's far more science, maths, family and myself. I have never like all these stupid, useless books or those noisy, annoying music. I just have no interest in them. 

But that doesn't mean the whole world is not gonna talk to me. I have no idea why, I really don't. I'm weak, far more weaker than I'm. I feel pain physically and internally. Like once, I had my braces on, I'm sure I had never complaint to anyone, not even on. It hurt, to be honest, I couldn't even eat solid food and couldn't even have a proper sleep. I just kept it all by myself, I wanna tell people that my choice of wanting to wear braces was not wrong. I hate it when people just say I can't make it through. That's why I don't wanna let them know.

Physically, I'm so much weaker than my twiny. Even though I'm taller and looked more 'muscular', but I can't run faster than her. If there're things happening on us, I'll be the one who gets caught first instead of her. Plus, I'm stupider than her, far more. I'm not lying her but I'm saying the truth. I'm slow in understanding a context, a person, a sentence, a politics and all. I'm far too innocent in believing everyone. I easily get trapped by people's words, I easily get cheated. I don't knot how to 'look' people, not at all. I'm not like Elisa, who's far smarter or 'cunning' than me. 

I have no idea why people just think I'm strong. Even if I show it through my physical appearance, my words and all, but no one understands me in a way that they know I'm actually a fake person who's just so used to wearing a smile and saying 'hi' to people. I can't accept myself of being so fake, not real at all. I'm too scared to be scared. I'm not as strong as you think, I'm weak, instead. 

I'm satisfied with what I'm and I just love the people around me. I know I hardly understand what people think and they hardly understand me as well. Don't ever think that you know me well when you actually don't. This is why I chose science stream instead of the others. 

I need to love people and be real in doing everything. I'm so tired of forcing myself to do all the stuff. I love walking alone, I don't want people to know me but I actually do. Just like I don't share my blog on Facebook, because I want those who really want to know me read my blog. If you get my meaning. People who don't love music are those who're pressured so much by themselves, forcing themselves not to be touched.

But then it's somehow good to know that there are still people who love you silently, by doing actions. That's the best love language that I prefer. Love is actions. I thank God for letting me meet all these nice people who are trying so hard to help me. I love you as well. 

Taken by me, Emily, at my house.

30/01/2015
Emily

Actually

I don't know why I feel like writing this post. 

It's been a great week so far, lectures have been informative, all things seem to be going so well and smoothly. The thoughts of wanting to know more about the bible and God have been growing up to the upper most level, I feel sad. 

If you know me well, I'm actually a person who doesn't like to do all the stuff, like going to camp, going for lectures, studying, public speaking, doing homework and others. I don't like them. In fact, I hate them. It's weird if you ever hear me saying that I love to do homework and stuff like that. Homework is never a cool thing, but I force myself to do it and love it. Eventually, the deepest thoughts that I originally had it were all buried in the deepest of my heart, covering by nice lies or maybe truth, I have no idea. 

I'm not a person who likes to think a lot. Sadness comes whenever I think too much, I'll start to feel like tearing or weeping. I don't wanna let anyone know how I feel. It's close enough to describe myself that I'm a fake person who keeps wearing the same innocent and happy mask every day. I'm tired but I'm still forcing myself to fake smiles and be a good little kid. There's never an ending for me to be that way.

I'm actually a boastful person, I'm jealous of a lot of things that people have. I keep comparing myself with the others. I can't walk out of the death valley, it's so hard for me. I feel so uncomfortable. I don't know what to do next.

I had a chat on Facebook with my Sunday school teacher yesterday. I told him what I wanna do to know more about God, I told him I don't actually love reading. I feel sad, too sad. I ask him about how to solve my problems of reading, he sent me a photo of a book which y second sister has it. But then, I still feel like buying my own book. I never think that anyone would like to share with me, even my sister. It's such an awful thing you know. 

I love sharing things with others. I always ask myself to give others what I think it's the best for them. I do that not because I want something back, but I really hope that they can do the same thing to people around them, being influenced or just learn from me. I hope the people who think like me can feel the love from them. I really hope.

This reminds me of what happened this noon. I helped my friend to zip his bag and he thought I was unzipping his bag but when he got back to his hostel, he messaged me saying that he was sorry about it. I feel sad actually, because the world causes people to think that everyone is just not serious and likes playing. I don't think he did something wrong but when I look at the bigger pictures, there's no one who likes to be helped by people. Is helping a serious and real thing anymore? I'm not sure.

Why does helping the others mean a lot to me? I've encountered so many unhelpful people, maybe there're not proactive enough. Well, what I know is that people help because they want to get something from you. You know, as a person helps me, I feel extraordinarily appreciative. It's very hard to find someone who's so willing to help you. But then, as time goes, I just found out that they just wanna be nice, be someone who's nice. They're not doing anything sincerely. I feel cheated in the end.

The tears were running out of my eyes when Sony didn't return my phone as promised. I dislike being cheated. How can anyone cheat someone who truly believes you? I don't know why on earth people are doing this to me. Screw it. Can't you just be honest? I never want to scold anyone or complain about anything, I just want to know. That's all. I hate guessing. Just as if I wish people in the world were all naked and behave properly. Why can't we be honest? 

I feel so sad. I don't think there will be anyone liking me, as if anyone wants to be friend with me. I can't be great enough if someone is willing to talk to me. I have no idea why there's something called awkwardness when the truth is there and we just assume it's not. 

Be clear and be honest. I'm seeking for that. 

Taken by Emily, in Amsterdam.

With love,

Emily

28/01/2015

(Didn't check the grammar mistakes, sorry)

The colours

Hello. Today's such a good day.

Like usual, I went to college and had lessons for some subjects. I don't really fall in love with any subjects but I'm trying my very best to absorb all things and study it as soon as possible. 

The mock test for Chemistry today was okay, I was not as shocked as my classmate. I know that there would be today! The assessments are all near to us as long as a chapter is about to finish. What I learn today is that one has to always be prepared. I pity my classmates who went for camp last week, who could have studied? I don't think most of them did. I found it okay because I did a little bit of studying last Saturday and kind of understood what my lecturer taught us.

I thank God that my sister is still alive. You know what, you can't actually predict the deadline of a person. You can only calculate the probability. When the probability is high, you'll feel like loosing someone so easily. That's a true feeling, I always tell myself that God's always with me and for the time that anyone around me or I myself have to go, I will be resting in peace, sleeping soundly as if I'm in the deepest peace with blessings and grace from God. That's not an emotional thing like what my friends laugh. I know that a lot of young people just think that life is just simple and we don't have to do much. And, they think that everything will be alright even though they have no idea how 'alright' it can be. Some people can't see the light, they're still covering their eyes, lying to themselves that nothing much is going on even though the world is spinning so fast and ending so soon.

Alright, let's go back to why I feel so thankful today. I got back my essay which was written last week. I was kinda afraid that I would get bad marks (not that afraid, just not confident that I did well). Hoping for the best, I would be satisfied if the lecturer didn't write 'lack of vocabs, poor grammar, not interesting, good try or something like that. However, I got 8.0 for my writing and I feel so happy about it. It seemed to be some sort of not achievable target for me. I never thought of that. 'Zero percent luck, hundred percent hardwork' is proven! Although it's just a piece of essay practice, but I have already had enough. The blessings are always beyond your expectations.

During chit-chating time, I listened to those people who went for camp last week, which the content was all about people. It was indeed a good time listening to people's experience about something. I have my brain turned on and tried to analysed what are in their mind. It's hard to explain here but I find them innocent and cheerful. They're just young and bold. Well, well, I love them anyway.

This is never an emotional post. I find it no point when people just comment about your photos. Just like they comment about what you're thinking. Can't you just accept people's unique thinking and let them be how they wanna be? I have no idea why people have no patience and forgiving heart for those who are helpless and clueless? That's why I love helping my classmates or bro and sis who are younger than me. Helping means a lot in my life, seriously.

It's time to end my post of today. I forgot to post a photo for each of my post. I'm careless, to be honest. May the Lord help all who need to be healed, one of them is me. We're weak and sinful.

Olives, taken in Brussels, Belgium.

With love,

Emily

19?01/2015

Giving thanks

Hello, my fellow blog readers. I know that my blog isn't as famous as my twiny's one. But then, I still think that there are people reading my blog. So here goes my content of today.

It's been a while since I last updated my blog. I was really busy during the past weekdays. Having speaking test, HumanBio assessment and lots of homework and also football club.

Oh well, the week seemed to pass so fast but I cannot forget all the things that happened this week. My first time having football in the college and I found it really uncomfortable. I don't feel like kicking anyway. The discrimination made me dislike it, I have no idea why I was being so sensitive but, yea, that's what exactly I feel.

So, I made friends However, I don't really like to stick with only one group. It's not a good thing for me to stay in a comfort zone. I feel comfortable with the girls, honestly, and I think they're just nice and friendly people who I should have as friends. It's hard to fully depend on only one group or one person. It's not easy, you can't always count on the same person or group. That's why I began to be my own and go around to mix with different kind of friends. 

I went to cf prayer meeting as well. I met all those cool people whom I felt loved. I get to know Bernadette and Luke when we were broken into groups. Both of them are older than me and I just feel like, THERE'RE STILL PEOPLE IN COLLEGE WHO ARE GOOD, YAY! That's my first thoughts. Also, I went for cf like how I did in my secondary school! I didn't actually know that I should be the usher for today but I just went and told Luke that I wanted to be an usher. Who knew that I was supposed  to be the usher today! My usher group leader, Lysandra just said that I was in her group and I got the work and serve! It was an awkward situation for all actually. I didn't know why I had the guts to do that. Oh well, God made things go well!

Now, I'm gonna talk about the tests. Speaking test just made me feel so anxious and I just simply talked anything that I had written on my paper. It was okay, the teacher just said, GOOD ATTEMPT. This actually meant, I'm not good enough. But what's passed is already passed. So, don't look back. However, for HumanBio test, I think I did quite good in structure questions and half dead in essay questions. It was not as stressful as I thought. Assessment is just small test that you can relax and think more positively.

Now that I'm alone in my room without my twiny. She cried this afternoon. I knew that she would do that. She just cannot stay like that. I mean she's very negatively charged and she knows that there are lots of bad people out there. That's why she thinks that I'm always stupid. 

It's my bed time, I gotta sleep. I love physics and those interesting questions! Woots!

With love,
Emily
16/01/2015

First day of College

Today is the 1st day of orientation. It was overall good but I feel so stressed after all.

I don't know why I signed up everything hard for myself. All the sciences...

But then, who can be sure that the other subjects are not hard?

I'm gonna ask the lectures about their ideas, the stress is pushing me so hard even though I haven't even seen my books.

Oh dear, I should be strong and deal with these things.

Nothing is easy when I'm already at this stage, only the one who can withstand all the force pressured can stand still and continue to their challenging life.

English seems to be a big problem for me, I have no idea how good my English is. I mean how bad, you can see my grammar mistakes and misused vocabulary everywhere in what I've written.

I don't know where on earth I can go besides crawling on this beautiful yet though mountain.

The environment is making me to be strong. Not only physically or emotionally but my spirit has got to be extraordinarily strong in God.

Faith is what I need most right now, I know I  have no one to trust but God. Let the light lead.

I'll just close my eyes and pretend that I'm blind.

I let the one in my heart shine and tell me what to do next.

No one can live without God at anytime.

When you think you've known so much, you're actually like a sand, tinier and smaller than you think how big you're.

It's the time to be humble, to be willing to accept new things.

I know, I won't be misled when my faith is built right in God.

Bye
Emily
06/01/2014

Realise

Time makes you realise so many things, like you're getting older, you have to do more work, you need to speed up everything, you have to learn to manage things on your own and live on your own.

I don't know what hits me with this kind of thought, probably the day before I'll be getting in to college, yeah, it's today, a very relaxing, lazy Monday. 

The world is spinning extraordinarily fast as it's looking for a time to stop when it has the highest speed of spinning in the end. Well, this tells me that the world is soon gonna end like what the bible has been telling us. I have no idea when but I know, soon.

It's not a very scary thing for me though, I'm patiently waiting for Jesus to come for His 2nd time. It'll be good, I believe. The wall of faith has got to be pretty though and strong at the same time. For its foundation, it has to be still and nothing can make it fall. I've been challenged by just a little part of challenging obstacles, they've indeed destroyed some part of my wall, silently.

I realise, the time really flies. I don't know when I'll be sleeping and forever not waking up. I wonder who I know will be dying before me. There are so many unknowns and I keep asking myself not to feel scared but to continue believe. It's so hard, I doubted everything but I believe everything that the bible says. Not really, I didn't actually doubt but I just didn't care much.

I saw old people struggling hard to listen to sermons in church, they tended to fall asleep. It's yet so close to dying but I'm sure their faith tells them that 'THERE'S ALWAYS A TOMORROW'. It's not possible for a person who dies today to have tomorrow, you'll say, but for those who believe does. Somehow, you'll be questioning a lot, but when you were just a child, did you really have that many of questions for what your mum said to you?

The environment, I mean, the world has made us a person who really needs logical thinking to work everything out. Mathematics, science, law and theories. They can explain almost everything. But I believe, only the bible can define what love is and why we're on the earth. And it's hard to explain why the bible is always true. Well, in my personal opinion, I'd say that because God is the truth as human kind can't really find a rational reason of the absence of God in the world. And here, you need holy spirit to guide you and tell you that you should believe in God, Jesus and Holy spirit.

It's too imaginative, I think. From death, I talk to God and Faith. For me, everything is simple and easy. You can  just simply answer any questions with 'BECAUSE GOD LOVE US'. And, I suppose, you'll get your questions solved. But then, this doesn't only involve the trinity and you, the world also involve the people around you and the demons (desires).

To continue this, I really want you not to be mislead by me. I'm just writing down my personal opinion and finding, I'm working hard to understand the bible although I was kinda lazy last year...

So the holy spirit tells you what the truth is and the demons might tells you to against all the righteousness. It's easy to know when the holy spirit is speaking and when the demons are destroying you. I think the best way to know it is to read the bible and books and you'll understand the concept and you'll start to know. 

I think I wrote too much like the whole passage is not well organised and structured. My college starts tomorrow, I need to be calm and prepare myself at night. You can leave your comments or send a message to me if you would like to share anything to me! I love talking but not reading, honestly!

Me, Taken by Elisa, on the way to Kensington Palace.

Bye,

Emily

05/01/2015

Sunday

Hello, people. It's Sunday!

I just came back from church. I went to myf last night though. It was great!

Well, I'll just give my personal review about it. It was really good overall, the people were quite friendly but not as proactive as I thought. Anyway, I believe everyone has their own characters and styles. It's somehow hard to make a quiet person to be active in front of new friends. But then, in my view, Christians should be as proactive as possible. I don't know why, but those who first approach people seem to have more joy. Well, I really pray that all Christians have a grateful heart to love people. 

Oh well, back to this morning...

The topic of today is 'Commitment with God', when we decide to do something like serve for God, we need to have a still and strong heart, it's not doing something just for fun or anything. It's about offering ourselves to God and let His work done, plus to glorify Him and let the others to believe Him. It's somehow hard, but not impossible though. 

Actually, I was supposed to be on the stage for singing in choir. Due to the fact of not going for practice and going holidays, I couldn't just go up and sing even though I went to the practice once. Remember to give the best to God. Oh, then, I went to choir practice after the service. It was awesome, honestly, I was really lost in the sea as it was hard to get the keys right when I had to get the beat right. 

Okay, that's all for my today. I love people, but I have no idea how to build a good relationship with anyone. Smiling and spending more time? I don't know.

Me, taken by Elisa, at London Luton Airport.

Bye,

Emily

4/1/2015

The new year resolutions

Hello there, welcome to my new blog. I just got my new laptop without the Microsoft, I'm kinda disappointed with the shop keepers as they weren't good at selling things. Oh well, you know what I mean...

So, I'm presenting my new year resolutions:

1) STAY CLOSE TO GOD : This is the foremost thing that I really wanna achieve by doing devotion every day, praying and having strong faith in God. It's hard, like I have no ability to achieve, but I believe, I can do it. Just by faith,

2) IMPROVE IN SINGING : I joined church choir last year and couldn't really sing well because of lacking of practice. I must do it this year, with full heart.

3) LEARN TO HAVE GOOD ATTITUDES : It's a must to have those 9 kinds of holy spirit fruits.

4) STUDY LIKE A CRAZY : I still struggle in choosing which field I have to go, so I must study hard this year and get good grades.

5) FOCUS ON MY HOBBIES : I have to play the piano well, take photos well and talk to people nicely and finally, read books!

I don't know if exercising regularly is counted one but I don't think it is as important as above. So yeah, I'll do my best. Continue to glorify God's name.

Taken by Emily, Hyde Park, London