Silence

I have no idea why there was this anger going up to my heart and burning my mind like hell. I just keep silent. 

I hate to what I've done so much. I don't know why I was so unprepared for my Chemistry lab test. I should have known what the equations. I pitied my lab partner, sorry, I just didn't do my responsibility. It's hard to express all the feelings out. That me being so innocent and ignorant in doing stuff, thinking that I would know everything when I was just boosting myself and thinking that everything would be easy. Who said that, the inner mind spoke so loud that I just wanna turn it off or mute it once for that particular moment. 

My inner condition became worse when the whole world was asking me to protect my sister. I feel so pissed off and angry at the same time. THAT'S NOT MY JOB TO PROTECT HER. Why on earth you think that I'm mentally and physically strong. No one knows that I'm so weak. My heart can just burst into tears of blood when the outside is still perfectly nice and whole. 'Protect your sister, protect your sister, protect your sister.' I'm getting enough of this. I can hardly stand this anymore. No one ever knows me, you just think of what you think and never consider about what I feel when you just say that sentence out. That hurts, I feel so hurt. 

As tears has been stuck in both of my eyes for such a long time. The only thing that I want is silence. Typing all these words quietly in the house alone is such a wonderful thing. I hate noises, all those stupid noises. Whenever noises just hit into my ear drums, my mind is kinda collapsing. The sound of drums, guitar and the voice of singers or any unwanted yet unpleasant sounds, the brain starts to destroy itself. Even though I'm extrovert, I can't stand all these. That's why I choose to listen the right things. 

Please stop indirectly telling me that I'm strong when I'm actually forcing myself to be strong outside. For instance, I'll never forget how I used to carry all the tables in my class with those guys just standing there watching me doing work. It's hard to pretend that I'm strong, honestly. The muscle pain on the next day is never a good deal. It becomes more terrible when people just ask you to use the triceps and biceps to do more work. I just wanna hit myself so hard that I'd be paralyzed so that people would not misunderstand my feeling. 

I know I'm doing the wrong thing, getting angry and mentally unstable so fast. I'm trying to be patient. Trying very hard to be stronger and stronger. But, I don't want people to ask me do more than I can when I'm actually trying very hard to do only my part. 

Taken by me, at a park near my house. 'I wish I could be like a cloud, staying in the sky so silently and peacefully, 

Bye.
Emily
13/03/2015