Short

Hello, dear readers, it's been a long time since I last updated my blog.

A lot of things happened in these days, but they didn't seem to bother me much, I just did things that I should do and stop myself from thinking a lot of nonsense. I don't wanna be lost on the pathway of the aim of my life. I know that time will never appear twice, in fact, we only endure that very particular time once in our whole life.

I just tweeted about my thoughts on Twitter, I somehow find out that I just wanna get lost from this place and go somewhere that no one knows me. That's what I always wish, I don't say it as a freedom but a place where I can live without caring about what people think or do or anything. It sounds so selfish, I know. Well, ideal life is never a reality and it's always a dream. So, I can only dream about it as the day will never come. I still have to live with people anyhow.

I shall stop here, I still have my homework to do. Going back to my ex-school on Good Friday!:D

With love, Emily.

The best place to read your own mind, vine yard. Taken by me, in Adelaide.

Silence

I have no idea why there was this anger going up to my heart and burning my mind like hell. I just keep silent. 

I hate to what I've done so much. I don't know why I was so unprepared for my Chemistry lab test. I should have known what the equations. I pitied my lab partner, sorry, I just didn't do my responsibility. It's hard to express all the feelings out. That me being so innocent and ignorant in doing stuff, thinking that I would know everything when I was just boosting myself and thinking that everything would be easy. Who said that, the inner mind spoke so loud that I just wanna turn it off or mute it once for that particular moment. 

My inner condition became worse when the whole world was asking me to protect my sister. I feel so pissed off and angry at the same time. THAT'S NOT MY JOB TO PROTECT HER. Why on earth you think that I'm mentally and physically strong. No one knows that I'm so weak. My heart can just burst into tears of blood when the outside is still perfectly nice and whole. 'Protect your sister, protect your sister, protect your sister.' I'm getting enough of this. I can hardly stand this anymore. No one ever knows me, you just think of what you think and never consider about what I feel when you just say that sentence out. That hurts, I feel so hurt. 

As tears has been stuck in both of my eyes for such a long time. The only thing that I want is silence. Typing all these words quietly in the house alone is such a wonderful thing. I hate noises, all those stupid noises. Whenever noises just hit into my ear drums, my mind is kinda collapsing. The sound of drums, guitar and the voice of singers or any unwanted yet unpleasant sounds, the brain starts to destroy itself. Even though I'm extrovert, I can't stand all these. That's why I choose to listen the right things. 

Please stop indirectly telling me that I'm strong when I'm actually forcing myself to be strong outside. For instance, I'll never forget how I used to carry all the tables in my class with those guys just standing there watching me doing work. It's hard to pretend that I'm strong, honestly. The muscle pain on the next day is never a good deal. It becomes more terrible when people just ask you to use the triceps and biceps to do more work. I just wanna hit myself so hard that I'd be paralyzed so that people would not misunderstand my feeling. 

I know I'm doing the wrong thing, getting angry and mentally unstable so fast. I'm trying to be patient. Trying very hard to be stronger and stronger. But, I don't want people to ask me do more than I can when I'm actually trying very hard to do only my part. 

Taken by me, at a park near my house. 'I wish I could be like a cloud, staying in the sky so silently and peacefully, 

Bye.
Emily
13/03/2015

No PIC late post...

I just steal some of my time and be here typing a little bit about my life, telling you what has been going on in the past.

I can't have my story long because it's so hard for me to describe my feelings more than I have to, you see, I'm running out of time. The days were great even though I had a few sleepless nights last week. If you know me well, my body will automatically 'collapse' after 3 days of sleepless nights. And, it's always happened that Thursdays are the 'sicky' days for me. I had a though week but I survived.

SPM results came out last week. I was trying to write a post about it, well, I always have this kind of struggling. An instant feeling won't make me think so much, it takes time to really feel it. So, I choose today though, I want to relax my mind as well, on the other hand. Okay, too far. So, I got a really satisfying results. I couldn't have hope for more. I didn't actually strive hard last November but the months before it. I was so busy on doing my responsibilities like forcing myself to do the best. It was uneasy, discipline and toughness came along with responsibilities. That's always my way to do work.

Seeing that everyone is working hard for every single thing gives me the motivation to make myself improve. I don't mean to compare with anyone. I see the uniqueness that God has given to everyone. Our strengths are never the same, everyone's brain works different way. The only thing that I have to do is to work more on my gift, I mean talents. Anyway, I'm enjoying my study in the college! Life is more relaxing compared to last year. I don't know why but my elder sister told me that I look happier when I go to college. I love how I'm blessed.

College is a place for me to expose to different kind of people. There are so many types of people! I'm so amazed by the creations of God. Some people are just like that and we're so different from them. I have no idea how to describe about this. Okay fine then. I'm just being grateful.

I love talking and smiling to people. I still remember how I wondered I was actually fake and had a phone call with Luke. He prayed for me in the phone and I was kinda touched for it because God uses His people to bless the weak ones. After all, I find it natural to just talk anything with people and smile to them. It's never hard when I really feel happy! Well, people think I'm pure and innocent in every way but well, I guess INNOCENT is not a very suitable word for me. I would say I choose to make myself not to be so awkward in front of them. It makes my mind spin so fast.

I shall stop here. I'm working very hard on praying for people and of course trusting that people will be healed by God. It's never an easy job. I fear, I need to be still. The challenges are coming. Struggling hard.

Alright, there must be an ending. Bye.

With love,
Emily
09/03/2015