Inner: Christmas post

Hello, readers, it has been awhile since I last posted in this blog. I didn't write a lot of posts this year, mainly because I lost my interest in writing and I shared my thoughts through Instagram or just people around me. 

I have been a weird person who has a mission in myself. I worked for it just because I 'feel' like it is something that I have to do. But deep down in the inside of myself, I clearly know that I'm not clear if my God truly asks me to do so. I have been quite energetic, active and outspoken. But for most of the time, I felt like I wasn't myself. 

I somehow think that I behave like a guy instead of a girl. Maybe I behave half and half. This doesn't make sense. Well, let me rephrase, I think I'm half emotional half serious. That's how it works in me. My personality. 

Throughout this week, I read a lot of passages about God and sins, basically the fundamental studies of Christianity. I found myself extremely sinful and did a lot of wrong things. I asked for forgiveness and decided to change the old me. In the mean time, I questioned a lot about things like, attitude and personality, culture and belief, righteousness and social level. A lot of debatable topics. I asked some people about their views and some gave me ridiculous answers while some gave me rational yet unacceptable answer.

I am waiting to know more about this. It's hard to know what to do when you're assumed to do something yet you don't even know what and why you have to do so and so. I am a person who needs to know the most basic and fundamental and detailed information or truths. I don't like how people do things without understanding and reason. But I believe, Love could be the first and the most important reason for every questions. 

Merry Christmas, may all of us continue grow in Christ. 

Emily
25/12/2015

Break

Hello my dearest readers who are somewhere in this world!

I can't remember the last time I posted in this blog. It should be months ago and I'm now updating my very current state of thinking and life.

I have actually been through a lot of things that I couldn't have remember all of them. I just read my old blog and found that I took study as seriously as I do now. However, I still have the same problem that I used to face last year: Bad English, Not so good results and near to zero faith in God. I have done 60 percent of my exam and still left 2 papers - Physics and Math CD. I feel like having a holiday already as the toughest ones (Human Bio and Chemistry) were all done. I am still a little stressed about the marks that I would get, I'm praying that I could get into a Med school next year. The requirements are not high but the people whom I am competing with are super smart and extraordinarily hardworking. I am pretty sure that God will take me through this but I need to do my part as well.

Still, I have a strong feeling of wanting to end this WACE exam so so so so so soon. I am not torturing myself with unfinished revision, I have already done my math (still need a little bit touch up) and I will revise for Physics before the exam (to be prepared even though it won't help me score). Apart from this big exam, I am also quite worried about my ISAT test. I have been trying to make myself think more logically by doing more sudoku and breaking my own record over and over again. I am not sure if I'm wasting my time, it's hard to walk on this road, but I know there is a way if I believe in God.

Please pray for me. I feel like there is a calling from God to do his work. Despite medicine, I have no idea what kind of industry I can go. I'm not good in language, nor am I good in creating new ideas. I only have energy (literally calories) to help people who need a little help. I just wanna be a person who makes a little difference in the world. I don't wanna be world class kind of heros. A small bit of effort is what I'm opting for.

Well. Bye, just an update after all.

Emily
6/11/2015

Bitter post

Ello, my lovely readers. I know it's been quite sometimes that I didn't update my blog and my writing has become pretty bad now, I guess. I have this sudden feeling oof updating it once again because I feel like there's no way for me to express my feelings, I can't even share it with people, I seriously feel so tied up. 

I'm not sure if you guys have known that my parents actually left me 1 month ago and my life has been pretty much changed since semester 2 started. For instance, I have got to live with my 2nd sister and my twin sister. I have been so no mood to study. I'm so stressed out. I haven't been getting enough sleep everyday as I feel so tired each an every minute. I'm physically and mentally challenged. Communications with people, patience to people and unselfishness; so much to be cared about. I'm afraid of financial issueissues, diseases and people around me. I've been so lost.

Just to elaborate, I'm so scared that my money would disappear or get cheated. I don't dare to get more from my dad as I know that I shouldn't have ask for so much. I worry a lot, too much. 

If you know me well, I always get sick or flu as I have allergy rhinitis and skin allergy. My body is not strong enough to fight against those dirty stuff. Even though I got sick, I didn't dare to admit to be sick because I knew I couldn't be sick, how am I going to pay for the consultant fee? Who in the world is gonna drive me to a clinic?

As I mentioned, my skin is relatively more sensitive as I got fungus on my toes when I was 10 and it took more than 3 or 4 years to recover. And I got red, itchy rashes when I was form 2, I still remember I wanted to cut all my limbs so badly. The rashes were my nightmares. And due to that, my beloved mum always tries to protect me from being in contact with things like detergent or any cleaning agents. Well, I'm doing washing up everyday. I feel so unwilling as my hands are getting rougher and rougher everytime I finished my work. I'm complaining it to my brothers in chirst but is that a problem? I truly understand that I don't love with all my heart and I don't know how, it's hard for me. It's a challenge for me. 

I know this post sounds so weird and hanging. I need prayers. 

28/6/2015 

Emily

Prefect timing

Hello, readers. I have not been updating for a long while and the last one was super short. So, I'm gonna make this post more interesting even though I have a really boring life if you compare with the others. 

So, today is a Friday and this week has been a very fatigue week for me, sitting for driving theory test, Human Bio test and Malaysian studies semester exam tomorrow. Well, I'm kinda fed up studying for tests that I don't like or maybe am forced to. But you know, whether I like it, I still have got to sit for it because it's a must. 

Lately, my twin sister and I have had a new brother, who we call him DiDi. He was my schoolmate in my secondary school and we were in the same cell group in Christian Fellowship last year. I feel very grateful that this guy or young man is so sensible and understanding as he knows what he's doing. I can see that he's still growing like a seed, healthily. The relationships built when 3 of us talk to each other and know what each other is doing. The conversations are always forced to stop and ended with a lot of love emojis and the sentence of I LOVE YOU.

My Monday and Tuesday were pretty normal as I can't recall what I did. Let's go to my Wednesday, I had 3 hours of lessons starting from 8am. When I was done with the lectures, I went to Dignity in Sentul with 2 of my friends. Frankly speaking, they're the most 'talk-able' friends to me. The points of view actually reach resonance. I don't know why but I feel very comfortable talking to them. So, I went to the school and started my tutor work. I taught 2 of the Myanmar students science which was about the food chain and ecosystem. It was very hard to let them understand me. The limitations of known vocabularies and the unstable base of education. I could hardly teach. 

The thankful thing that I had was when I ask them to draw a food chain, they started to know how to draw. Especially one of them, I felt so touched when he finally knew how to draw a food chain as he tried 4 times to get it right. It took him a lot of effort. I feel like crying now seriously. I remember how I used to get so frustrated because they didn't understand me. But now they do. 

________________________

I sat for driving theory test on Thursday. It was pretty stupid, I mean the story of how I sat the test. Last week, I had no idea what was the theory talking about plus the madam whom my mum asked to help me arrange all these driving things made me feel so hopeless. But then, God has His own timing, I passed my test in 10 minutes 31 seconds (even though I waited for 1 and a half hour before taking the test). The test was hard for me, I think history is much easier, sorry to say that but yea, I feel so. 

Nothing big happened today, I would still thank Lord for His wonderful timing that enabled me to do all the things in limited time. How amazing it is! 

I shall do my math homework now and study federal constitution for exam tomorrow. Nights and love your family ya!

Me in front of school hall, taken by Jonathan Lee.

With a grateful heart,

Emily

10/04/2015

Short

Hello, dear readers, it's been a long time since I last updated my blog.

A lot of things happened in these days, but they didn't seem to bother me much, I just did things that I should do and stop myself from thinking a lot of nonsense. I don't wanna be lost on the pathway of the aim of my life. I know that time will never appear twice, in fact, we only endure that very particular time once in our whole life.

I just tweeted about my thoughts on Twitter, I somehow find out that I just wanna get lost from this place and go somewhere that no one knows me. That's what I always wish, I don't say it as a freedom but a place where I can live without caring about what people think or do or anything. It sounds so selfish, I know. Well, ideal life is never a reality and it's always a dream. So, I can only dream about it as the day will never come. I still have to live with people anyhow.

I shall stop here, I still have my homework to do. Going back to my ex-school on Good Friday!:D

With love, Emily.

The best place to read your own mind, vine yard. Taken by me, in Adelaide.

Silence

I have no idea why there was this anger going up to my heart and burning my mind like hell. I just keep silent. 

I hate to what I've done so much. I don't know why I was so unprepared for my Chemistry lab test. I should have known what the equations. I pitied my lab partner, sorry, I just didn't do my responsibility. It's hard to express all the feelings out. That me being so innocent and ignorant in doing stuff, thinking that I would know everything when I was just boosting myself and thinking that everything would be easy. Who said that, the inner mind spoke so loud that I just wanna turn it off or mute it once for that particular moment. 

My inner condition became worse when the whole world was asking me to protect my sister. I feel so pissed off and angry at the same time. THAT'S NOT MY JOB TO PROTECT HER. Why on earth you think that I'm mentally and physically strong. No one knows that I'm so weak. My heart can just burst into tears of blood when the outside is still perfectly nice and whole. 'Protect your sister, protect your sister, protect your sister.' I'm getting enough of this. I can hardly stand this anymore. No one ever knows me, you just think of what you think and never consider about what I feel when you just say that sentence out. That hurts, I feel so hurt. 

As tears has been stuck in both of my eyes for such a long time. The only thing that I want is silence. Typing all these words quietly in the house alone is such a wonderful thing. I hate noises, all those stupid noises. Whenever noises just hit into my ear drums, my mind is kinda collapsing. The sound of drums, guitar and the voice of singers or any unwanted yet unpleasant sounds, the brain starts to destroy itself. Even though I'm extrovert, I can't stand all these. That's why I choose to listen the right things. 

Please stop indirectly telling me that I'm strong when I'm actually forcing myself to be strong outside. For instance, I'll never forget how I used to carry all the tables in my class with those guys just standing there watching me doing work. It's hard to pretend that I'm strong, honestly. The muscle pain on the next day is never a good deal. It becomes more terrible when people just ask you to use the triceps and biceps to do more work. I just wanna hit myself so hard that I'd be paralyzed so that people would not misunderstand my feeling. 

I know I'm doing the wrong thing, getting angry and mentally unstable so fast. I'm trying to be patient. Trying very hard to be stronger and stronger. But, I don't want people to ask me do more than I can when I'm actually trying very hard to do only my part. 

Taken by me, at a park near my house. 'I wish I could be like a cloud, staying in the sky so silently and peacefully, 

Bye.
Emily
13/03/2015

No PIC late post...

I just steal some of my time and be here typing a little bit about my life, telling you what has been going on in the past.

I can't have my story long because it's so hard for me to describe my feelings more than I have to, you see, I'm running out of time. The days were great even though I had a few sleepless nights last week. If you know me well, my body will automatically 'collapse' after 3 days of sleepless nights. And, it's always happened that Thursdays are the 'sicky' days for me. I had a though week but I survived.

SPM results came out last week. I was trying to write a post about it, well, I always have this kind of struggling. An instant feeling won't make me think so much, it takes time to really feel it. So, I choose today though, I want to relax my mind as well, on the other hand. Okay, too far. So, I got a really satisfying results. I couldn't have hope for more. I didn't actually strive hard last November but the months before it. I was so busy on doing my responsibilities like forcing myself to do the best. It was uneasy, discipline and toughness came along with responsibilities. That's always my way to do work.

Seeing that everyone is working hard for every single thing gives me the motivation to make myself improve. I don't mean to compare with anyone. I see the uniqueness that God has given to everyone. Our strengths are never the same, everyone's brain works different way. The only thing that I have to do is to work more on my gift, I mean talents. Anyway, I'm enjoying my study in the college! Life is more relaxing compared to last year. I don't know why but my elder sister told me that I look happier when I go to college. I love how I'm blessed.

College is a place for me to expose to different kind of people. There are so many types of people! I'm so amazed by the creations of God. Some people are just like that and we're so different from them. I have no idea how to describe about this. Okay fine then. I'm just being grateful.

I love talking and smiling to people. I still remember how I wondered I was actually fake and had a phone call with Luke. He prayed for me in the phone and I was kinda touched for it because God uses His people to bless the weak ones. After all, I find it natural to just talk anything with people and smile to them. It's never hard when I really feel happy! Well, people think I'm pure and innocent in every way but well, I guess INNOCENT is not a very suitable word for me. I would say I choose to make myself not to be so awkward in front of them. It makes my mind spin so fast.

I shall stop here. I'm working very hard on praying for people and of course trusting that people will be healed by God. It's never an easy job. I fear, I need to be still. The challenges are coming. Struggling hard.

Alright, there must be an ending. Bye.

With love,
Emily
09/03/2015