Actually

I don't know why I feel like writing this post. 

It's been a great week so far, lectures have been informative, all things seem to be going so well and smoothly. The thoughts of wanting to know more about the bible and God have been growing up to the upper most level, I feel sad. 

If you know me well, I'm actually a person who doesn't like to do all the stuff, like going to camp, going for lectures, studying, public speaking, doing homework and others. I don't like them. In fact, I hate them. It's weird if you ever hear me saying that I love to do homework and stuff like that. Homework is never a cool thing, but I force myself to do it and love it. Eventually, the deepest thoughts that I originally had it were all buried in the deepest of my heart, covering by nice lies or maybe truth, I have no idea. 

I'm not a person who likes to think a lot. Sadness comes whenever I think too much, I'll start to feel like tearing or weeping. I don't wanna let anyone know how I feel. It's close enough to describe myself that I'm a fake person who keeps wearing the same innocent and happy mask every day. I'm tired but I'm still forcing myself to fake smiles and be a good little kid. There's never an ending for me to be that way.

I'm actually a boastful person, I'm jealous of a lot of things that people have. I keep comparing myself with the others. I can't walk out of the death valley, it's so hard for me. I feel so uncomfortable. I don't know what to do next.

I had a chat on Facebook with my Sunday school teacher yesterday. I told him what I wanna do to know more about God, I told him I don't actually love reading. I feel sad, too sad. I ask him about how to solve my problems of reading, he sent me a photo of a book which y second sister has it. But then, I still feel like buying my own book. I never think that anyone would like to share with me, even my sister. It's such an awful thing you know. 

I love sharing things with others. I always ask myself to give others what I think it's the best for them. I do that not because I want something back, but I really hope that they can do the same thing to people around them, being influenced or just learn from me. I hope the people who think like me can feel the love from them. I really hope.

This reminds me of what happened this noon. I helped my friend to zip his bag and he thought I was unzipping his bag but when he got back to his hostel, he messaged me saying that he was sorry about it. I feel sad actually, because the world causes people to think that everyone is just not serious and likes playing. I don't think he did something wrong but when I look at the bigger pictures, there's no one who likes to be helped by people. Is helping a serious and real thing anymore? I'm not sure.

Why does helping the others mean a lot to me? I've encountered so many unhelpful people, maybe there're not proactive enough. Well, what I know is that people help because they want to get something from you. You know, as a person helps me, I feel extraordinarily appreciative. It's very hard to find someone who's so willing to help you. But then, as time goes, I just found out that they just wanna be nice, be someone who's nice. They're not doing anything sincerely. I feel cheated in the end.

The tears were running out of my eyes when Sony didn't return my phone as promised. I dislike being cheated. How can anyone cheat someone who truly believes you? I don't know why on earth people are doing this to me. Screw it. Can't you just be honest? I never want to scold anyone or complain about anything, I just want to know. That's all. I hate guessing. Just as if I wish people in the world were all naked and behave properly. Why can't we be honest? 

I feel so sad. I don't think there will be anyone liking me, as if anyone wants to be friend with me. I can't be great enough if someone is willing to talk to me. I have no idea why there's something called awkwardness when the truth is there and we just assume it's not. 

Be clear and be honest. I'm seeking for that. 

Taken by Emily, in Amsterdam.

With love,

Emily

28/01/2015

(Didn't check the grammar mistakes, sorry)