Weakness

Hello, today's a Friday. I had a HumanBio assessment today, it was far more okay than the previous one, I feel and hope.

My today started badly. I was really pissed off by what my dad told me. He asked me to look after my twin sister as I had a bigger body size. I really hate it when people say like that, just like what one of my friends told me as well. This really makes me feel much stupider than I have ever had.

Like what happened in the past, no one would ever proactively help me. I've had no idea why they felt that way. They would rather help those girls who had smaller body size and looked weak. It's always like that. Whenever I saw people get help from the others, I hated myself a lot, I wondered why I was in this clumsy, big size body. I had no idea during the past. Until now, I still don't.

It's such a bad thing when I feel discriminated, I just wanna hide myself so badly. Like sometimes, due to the fact that people are far better than me. For instance, my twiny loves to read and music but I don't. They talk to her but not me. I hate that feeling, very much. It's like the world is never for me. I'm too boring. What I like to talk about is something that's far more science, maths, family and myself. I have never like all these stupid, useless books or those noisy, annoying music. I just have no interest in them. 

But that doesn't mean the whole world is not gonna talk to me. I have no idea why, I really don't. I'm weak, far more weaker than I'm. I feel pain physically and internally. Like once, I had my braces on, I'm sure I had never complaint to anyone, not even on. It hurt, to be honest, I couldn't even eat solid food and couldn't even have a proper sleep. I just kept it all by myself, I wanna tell people that my choice of wanting to wear braces was not wrong. I hate it when people just say I can't make it through. That's why I don't wanna let them know.

Physically, I'm so much weaker than my twiny. Even though I'm taller and looked more 'muscular', but I can't run faster than her. If there're things happening on us, I'll be the one who gets caught first instead of her. Plus, I'm stupider than her, far more. I'm not lying her but I'm saying the truth. I'm slow in understanding a context, a person, a sentence, a politics and all. I'm far too innocent in believing everyone. I easily get trapped by people's words, I easily get cheated. I don't knot how to 'look' people, not at all. I'm not like Elisa, who's far smarter or 'cunning' than me. 

I have no idea why people just think I'm strong. Even if I show it through my physical appearance, my words and all, but no one understands me in a way that they know I'm actually a fake person who's just so used to wearing a smile and saying 'hi' to people. I can't accept myself of being so fake, not real at all. I'm too scared to be scared. I'm not as strong as you think, I'm weak, instead. 

I'm satisfied with what I'm and I just love the people around me. I know I hardly understand what people think and they hardly understand me as well. Don't ever think that you know me well when you actually don't. This is why I chose science stream instead of the others. 

I need to love people and be real in doing everything. I'm so tired of forcing myself to do all the stuff. I love walking alone, I don't want people to know me but I actually do. Just like I don't share my blog on Facebook, because I want those who really want to know me read my blog. If you get my meaning. People who don't love music are those who're pressured so much by themselves, forcing themselves not to be touched.

But then it's somehow good to know that there are still people who love you silently, by doing actions. That's the best love language that I prefer. Love is actions. I thank God for letting me meet all these nice people who are trying so hard to help me. I love you as well. 

Taken by me, Emily, at my house.

30/01/2015
Emily

Actually

I don't know why I feel like writing this post. 

It's been a great week so far, lectures have been informative, all things seem to be going so well and smoothly. The thoughts of wanting to know more about the bible and God have been growing up to the upper most level, I feel sad. 

If you know me well, I'm actually a person who doesn't like to do all the stuff, like going to camp, going for lectures, studying, public speaking, doing homework and others. I don't like them. In fact, I hate them. It's weird if you ever hear me saying that I love to do homework and stuff like that. Homework is never a cool thing, but I force myself to do it and love it. Eventually, the deepest thoughts that I originally had it were all buried in the deepest of my heart, covering by nice lies or maybe truth, I have no idea. 

I'm not a person who likes to think a lot. Sadness comes whenever I think too much, I'll start to feel like tearing or weeping. I don't wanna let anyone know how I feel. It's close enough to describe myself that I'm a fake person who keeps wearing the same innocent and happy mask every day. I'm tired but I'm still forcing myself to fake smiles and be a good little kid. There's never an ending for me to be that way.

I'm actually a boastful person, I'm jealous of a lot of things that people have. I keep comparing myself with the others. I can't walk out of the death valley, it's so hard for me. I feel so uncomfortable. I don't know what to do next.

I had a chat on Facebook with my Sunday school teacher yesterday. I told him what I wanna do to know more about God, I told him I don't actually love reading. I feel sad, too sad. I ask him about how to solve my problems of reading, he sent me a photo of a book which y second sister has it. But then, I still feel like buying my own book. I never think that anyone would like to share with me, even my sister. It's such an awful thing you know. 

I love sharing things with others. I always ask myself to give others what I think it's the best for them. I do that not because I want something back, but I really hope that they can do the same thing to people around them, being influenced or just learn from me. I hope the people who think like me can feel the love from them. I really hope.

This reminds me of what happened this noon. I helped my friend to zip his bag and he thought I was unzipping his bag but when he got back to his hostel, he messaged me saying that he was sorry about it. I feel sad actually, because the world causes people to think that everyone is just not serious and likes playing. I don't think he did something wrong but when I look at the bigger pictures, there's no one who likes to be helped by people. Is helping a serious and real thing anymore? I'm not sure.

Why does helping the others mean a lot to me? I've encountered so many unhelpful people, maybe there're not proactive enough. Well, what I know is that people help because they want to get something from you. You know, as a person helps me, I feel extraordinarily appreciative. It's very hard to find someone who's so willing to help you. But then, as time goes, I just found out that they just wanna be nice, be someone who's nice. They're not doing anything sincerely. I feel cheated in the end.

The tears were running out of my eyes when Sony didn't return my phone as promised. I dislike being cheated. How can anyone cheat someone who truly believes you? I don't know why on earth people are doing this to me. Screw it. Can't you just be honest? I never want to scold anyone or complain about anything, I just want to know. That's all. I hate guessing. Just as if I wish people in the world were all naked and behave properly. Why can't we be honest? 

I feel so sad. I don't think there will be anyone liking me, as if anyone wants to be friend with me. I can't be great enough if someone is willing to talk to me. I have no idea why there's something called awkwardness when the truth is there and we just assume it's not. 

Be clear and be honest. I'm seeking for that. 

Taken by Emily, in Amsterdam.

With love,

Emily

28/01/2015

(Didn't check the grammar mistakes, sorry)

The colours

Hello. Today's such a good day.

Like usual, I went to college and had lessons for some subjects. I don't really fall in love with any subjects but I'm trying my very best to absorb all things and study it as soon as possible. 

The mock test for Chemistry today was okay, I was not as shocked as my classmate. I know that there would be today! The assessments are all near to us as long as a chapter is about to finish. What I learn today is that one has to always be prepared. I pity my classmates who went for camp last week, who could have studied? I don't think most of them did. I found it okay because I did a little bit of studying last Saturday and kind of understood what my lecturer taught us.

I thank God that my sister is still alive. You know what, you can't actually predict the deadline of a person. You can only calculate the probability. When the probability is high, you'll feel like loosing someone so easily. That's a true feeling, I always tell myself that God's always with me and for the time that anyone around me or I myself have to go, I will be resting in peace, sleeping soundly as if I'm in the deepest peace with blessings and grace from God. That's not an emotional thing like what my friends laugh. I know that a lot of young people just think that life is just simple and we don't have to do much. And, they think that everything will be alright even though they have no idea how 'alright' it can be. Some people can't see the light, they're still covering their eyes, lying to themselves that nothing much is going on even though the world is spinning so fast and ending so soon.

Alright, let's go back to why I feel so thankful today. I got back my essay which was written last week. I was kinda afraid that I would get bad marks (not that afraid, just not confident that I did well). Hoping for the best, I would be satisfied if the lecturer didn't write 'lack of vocabs, poor grammar, not interesting, good try or something like that. However, I got 8.0 for my writing and I feel so happy about it. It seemed to be some sort of not achievable target for me. I never thought of that. 'Zero percent luck, hundred percent hardwork' is proven! Although it's just a piece of essay practice, but I have already had enough. The blessings are always beyond your expectations.

During chit-chating time, I listened to those people who went for camp last week, which the content was all about people. It was indeed a good time listening to people's experience about something. I have my brain turned on and tried to analysed what are in their mind. It's hard to explain here but I find them innocent and cheerful. They're just young and bold. Well, well, I love them anyway.

This is never an emotional post. I find it no point when people just comment about your photos. Just like they comment about what you're thinking. Can't you just accept people's unique thinking and let them be how they wanna be? I have no idea why people have no patience and forgiving heart for those who are helpless and clueless? That's why I love helping my classmates or bro and sis who are younger than me. Helping means a lot in my life, seriously.

It's time to end my post of today. I forgot to post a photo for each of my post. I'm careless, to be honest. May the Lord help all who need to be healed, one of them is me. We're weak and sinful.

Olives, taken in Brussels, Belgium.

With love,

Emily

19?01/2015

Giving thanks

Hello, my fellow blog readers. I know that my blog isn't as famous as my twiny's one. But then, I still think that there are people reading my blog. So here goes my content of today.

It's been a while since I last updated my blog. I was really busy during the past weekdays. Having speaking test, HumanBio assessment and lots of homework and also football club.

Oh well, the week seemed to pass so fast but I cannot forget all the things that happened this week. My first time having football in the college and I found it really uncomfortable. I don't feel like kicking anyway. The discrimination made me dislike it, I have no idea why I was being so sensitive but, yea, that's what exactly I feel.

So, I made friends However, I don't really like to stick with only one group. It's not a good thing for me to stay in a comfort zone. I feel comfortable with the girls, honestly, and I think they're just nice and friendly people who I should have as friends. It's hard to fully depend on only one group or one person. It's not easy, you can't always count on the same person or group. That's why I began to be my own and go around to mix with different kind of friends. 

I went to cf prayer meeting as well. I met all those cool people whom I felt loved. I get to know Bernadette and Luke when we were broken into groups. Both of them are older than me and I just feel like, THERE'RE STILL PEOPLE IN COLLEGE WHO ARE GOOD, YAY! That's my first thoughts. Also, I went for cf like how I did in my secondary school! I didn't actually know that I should be the usher for today but I just went and told Luke that I wanted to be an usher. Who knew that I was supposed  to be the usher today! My usher group leader, Lysandra just said that I was in her group and I got the work and serve! It was an awkward situation for all actually. I didn't know why I had the guts to do that. Oh well, God made things go well!

Now, I'm gonna talk about the tests. Speaking test just made me feel so anxious and I just simply talked anything that I had written on my paper. It was okay, the teacher just said, GOOD ATTEMPT. This actually meant, I'm not good enough. But what's passed is already passed. So, don't look back. However, for HumanBio test, I think I did quite good in structure questions and half dead in essay questions. It was not as stressful as I thought. Assessment is just small test that you can relax and think more positively.

Now that I'm alone in my room without my twiny. She cried this afternoon. I knew that she would do that. She just cannot stay like that. I mean she's very negatively charged and she knows that there are lots of bad people out there. That's why she thinks that I'm always stupid. 

It's my bed time, I gotta sleep. I love physics and those interesting questions! Woots!

With love,
Emily
16/01/2015

First day of College

Today is the 1st day of orientation. It was overall good but I feel so stressed after all.

I don't know why I signed up everything hard for myself. All the sciences...

But then, who can be sure that the other subjects are not hard?

I'm gonna ask the lectures about their ideas, the stress is pushing me so hard even though I haven't even seen my books.

Oh dear, I should be strong and deal with these things.

Nothing is easy when I'm already at this stage, only the one who can withstand all the force pressured can stand still and continue to their challenging life.

English seems to be a big problem for me, I have no idea how good my English is. I mean how bad, you can see my grammar mistakes and misused vocabulary everywhere in what I've written.

I don't know where on earth I can go besides crawling on this beautiful yet though mountain.

The environment is making me to be strong. Not only physically or emotionally but my spirit has got to be extraordinarily strong in God.

Faith is what I need most right now, I know I  have no one to trust but God. Let the light lead.

I'll just close my eyes and pretend that I'm blind.

I let the one in my heart shine and tell me what to do next.

No one can live without God at anytime.

When you think you've known so much, you're actually like a sand, tinier and smaller than you think how big you're.

It's the time to be humble, to be willing to accept new things.

I know, I won't be misled when my faith is built right in God.

Bye
Emily
06/01/2014

Realise

Time makes you realise so many things, like you're getting older, you have to do more work, you need to speed up everything, you have to learn to manage things on your own and live on your own.

I don't know what hits me with this kind of thought, probably the day before I'll be getting in to college, yeah, it's today, a very relaxing, lazy Monday. 

The world is spinning extraordinarily fast as it's looking for a time to stop when it has the highest speed of spinning in the end. Well, this tells me that the world is soon gonna end like what the bible has been telling us. I have no idea when but I know, soon.

It's not a very scary thing for me though, I'm patiently waiting for Jesus to come for His 2nd time. It'll be good, I believe. The wall of faith has got to be pretty though and strong at the same time. For its foundation, it has to be still and nothing can make it fall. I've been challenged by just a little part of challenging obstacles, they've indeed destroyed some part of my wall, silently.

I realise, the time really flies. I don't know when I'll be sleeping and forever not waking up. I wonder who I know will be dying before me. There are so many unknowns and I keep asking myself not to feel scared but to continue believe. It's so hard, I doubted everything but I believe everything that the bible says. Not really, I didn't actually doubt but I just didn't care much.

I saw old people struggling hard to listen to sermons in church, they tended to fall asleep. It's yet so close to dying but I'm sure their faith tells them that 'THERE'S ALWAYS A TOMORROW'. It's not possible for a person who dies today to have tomorrow, you'll say, but for those who believe does. Somehow, you'll be questioning a lot, but when you were just a child, did you really have that many of questions for what your mum said to you?

The environment, I mean, the world has made us a person who really needs logical thinking to work everything out. Mathematics, science, law and theories. They can explain almost everything. But I believe, only the bible can define what love is and why we're on the earth. And it's hard to explain why the bible is always true. Well, in my personal opinion, I'd say that because God is the truth as human kind can't really find a rational reason of the absence of God in the world. And here, you need holy spirit to guide you and tell you that you should believe in God, Jesus and Holy spirit.

It's too imaginative, I think. From death, I talk to God and Faith. For me, everything is simple and easy. You can  just simply answer any questions with 'BECAUSE GOD LOVE US'. And, I suppose, you'll get your questions solved. But then, this doesn't only involve the trinity and you, the world also involve the people around you and the demons (desires).

To continue this, I really want you not to be mislead by me. I'm just writing down my personal opinion and finding, I'm working hard to understand the bible although I was kinda lazy last year...

So the holy spirit tells you what the truth is and the demons might tells you to against all the righteousness. It's easy to know when the holy spirit is speaking and when the demons are destroying you. I think the best way to know it is to read the bible and books and you'll understand the concept and you'll start to know. 

I think I wrote too much like the whole passage is not well organised and structured. My college starts tomorrow, I need to be calm and prepare myself at night. You can leave your comments or send a message to me if you would like to share anything to me! I love talking but not reading, honestly!

Me, Taken by Elisa, on the way to Kensington Palace.

Bye,

Emily

05/01/2015

Sunday

Hello, people. It's Sunday!

I just came back from church. I went to myf last night though. It was great!

Well, I'll just give my personal review about it. It was really good overall, the people were quite friendly but not as proactive as I thought. Anyway, I believe everyone has their own characters and styles. It's somehow hard to make a quiet person to be active in front of new friends. But then, in my view, Christians should be as proactive as possible. I don't know why, but those who first approach people seem to have more joy. Well, I really pray that all Christians have a grateful heart to love people. 

Oh well, back to this morning...

The topic of today is 'Commitment with God', when we decide to do something like serve for God, we need to have a still and strong heart, it's not doing something just for fun or anything. It's about offering ourselves to God and let His work done, plus to glorify Him and let the others to believe Him. It's somehow hard, but not impossible though. 

Actually, I was supposed to be on the stage for singing in choir. Due to the fact of not going for practice and going holidays, I couldn't just go up and sing even though I went to the practice once. Remember to give the best to God. Oh, then, I went to choir practice after the service. It was awesome, honestly, I was really lost in the sea as it was hard to get the keys right when I had to get the beat right. 

Okay, that's all for my today. I love people, but I have no idea how to build a good relationship with anyone. Smiling and spending more time? I don't know.

Me, taken by Elisa, at London Luton Airport.

Bye,

Emily

4/1/2015

The new year resolutions

Hello there, welcome to my new blog. I just got my new laptop without the Microsoft, I'm kinda disappointed with the shop keepers as they weren't good at selling things. Oh well, you know what I mean...

So, I'm presenting my new year resolutions:

1) STAY CLOSE TO GOD : This is the foremost thing that I really wanna achieve by doing devotion every day, praying and having strong faith in God. It's hard, like I have no ability to achieve, but I believe, I can do it. Just by faith,

2) IMPROVE IN SINGING : I joined church choir last year and couldn't really sing well because of lacking of practice. I must do it this year, with full heart.

3) LEARN TO HAVE GOOD ATTITUDES : It's a must to have those 9 kinds of holy spirit fruits.

4) STUDY LIKE A CRAZY : I still struggle in choosing which field I have to go, so I must study hard this year and get good grades.

5) FOCUS ON MY HOBBIES : I have to play the piano well, take photos well and talk to people nicely and finally, read books!

I don't know if exercising regularly is counted one but I don't think it is as important as above. So yeah, I'll do my best. Continue to glorify God's name.

Taken by Emily, Hyde Park, London